Things I Have Learned Along the Way
Last Updated on October 25, 2022 by Jill Schwitzgebel
So, I’d like to share some of these incredibly random things with you, in no particular order. Some serious, some not as serious. Some practical, some not so practical. But I hope all still useful to you, in some way.
Teaching them to do laundry is not as important as you think.
Okay, maybe it’s just my kids, but I have learned that all the time I spent teaching them to sort laundry and what temperature to wash it in was almost for nothing. I think my daughter occasionally does give it some thought with certain high value items, but my son has openly said that he gives it none at all. And when I happen to buy him clothes, I factor in whether they’ll shrink because I now know that he will throw it all in the dryer on high for maximum convenience.
By some measures and to some people I suppose I am a bad mom, because I continued to mostly do laundry for them until high school graduation. My reasoning was that if I was doing it anyway, why not throw theirs in too? Wouldn’t it be a waste of water for all of us to do it separately? And what if they were doing laundry at a time when I planned to do my own? In my defense, I didn’t fold it for them! But, the summer before college, I felt like it was time for a crash course. So I coached them on all laundry aspects.
But, after all of my instruction, it really didn’t matter how much they knew about washer operation, since every dorm washing machine operates differently! Just because they have been taught to operate yours at home does not mean that the one at school resembles yours in any way. So, I’m here to tell you, if you’re also a bad mom when it comes to laundry instruction, or any other similar life skill, your children will catch up quickly and do just fine at school despite your shortcomings.
Get a primary care physician near campus for your student.
Sure, on the college tours they talk about the campus Health Center and how accessible and effective it is. So far, I have not heard that reality reported by many students or parents though. Often there aren’t enough providers on campus or hours are limited making a timely appointment difficult. And no matter what, they just don’t have the time to spend listening to the student’s health history. In a span of four years, your child is going to be sick at some point, and living in a group setting, they’re likely going to be sick several times, whether it is pinkeye, mono or just the common cold. And you won’t be there.
I didn’t set this up this for Kids 1 and 2. I will absolutely be doing it for Kid 3. By the end of the oldest kids’ sophomore years, I thought about doing it (and then, only because I discovered lots of other parents did it…why did nobody tell me earlier??), but dismissed the idea since they only had two years left and I felt like it wouldn’t be worth the added hassle to find someone. I regret that because there have been PLENTY of Urgent Care visits since then. There have been sinus infections, back spasms, tonsillitis. You just never know. And there have been calls to ME, from hundreds of miles away, asking what to do and there is no more helpless feeling as a mom than when you get that call. If only there had been a trusted physician nearby!
My daughter is now known by first name at her local Urgent care center, as she has had to go so often. That physician has referred her for tests, called her on holidays to check on her, and essentially has had to act as a primary care doctor. It would have been better to actually HAVE a primary care doctor, who had the time to know her whole history.
When you fill out the FAFSA, the Expected Family Contribution (EFC) that it says you can afford will make you either laugh or cry.
Seriously, I’ve never known anyone who looked at their EFC after filling out the FAFSA and thought to themselves, “Yeah, that sounds about right. No problem.” Yes, we all know we were supposed to be saving a certain percentage each year for the kids’ college and the lucky among us were able to do it. The rest of us will get creative to cover what the FAFSA believes we can afford.
No college is perfect in every way and that doesn’t really matter.
I have become acutely aware of that this third time around. It’s both a blessing and a curse to have experience with kids at two very different types of schools. I see the advantages of the amazing amenities provided by a major university and the incredible mentoring at the small college. This means that I also see the lack of quality advising at the university and the lousy food choices at the small one. That is not to say that every large university or every small college shares these traits! But it means that I am more tuned in than I probably need to be to certain details when I’m visiting schools with Kid 3. And then to me, though not to him, every school falls short in some small way.
Despite the shortcomings and advantages that I may notice, my kids that are actually the ones ATTENDING the schools feel differently. If asked, they’ll both acknowledge where their schools fall short. But you know what? They don’t care. They’re happy with their choices and the pros far outweigh the cons at their schools as far as they are concerned. Ultimately, that’s the only thing that matters.
I miss them more than I expected. I miss them less than I expected.
This is probably a highly personal thing. What I experienced when they first left for their first years away was just weird. That’s the only way to describe it. At times, I thought maybe I wasn’t missing them as much as I was supposed to. Yet I remember feeling totally at a loss in the grocery store, not really knowing how much to buy, and honestly feeling near tears as I walked by their favorite snacks and I left them on the shelf instead of putting them in my cart. Once, I saw an older teen girl and her mom grocery shopping and teared up – and it’s not like my daughter and I ever went grocery shopping together all that often. Clearly, I missed them. Yet now, just a few years later, it throws me when they’ll both be home and I realize how much food I have to buy for two extra people!
I don’t really miss the carpooling, or the extra meetings, volunteering and chaperoning obligations. At all. But, I do miss the other carpool parents, and watching my kids do what they loved to do. I don’t miss never having a free weekend or a kid-free evening…and as Kid 3 gets older, there seems to be way more kid-free time. I’m not going to lie, I kind of like it.
But, I miss watching all three kids hanging out and laughing together on a regular basis, even if their laughter was at my expense. (Yes, missing that means that I am simultaneously managing to block out the other times that they were arguing and bickering with one another.) When only four out of five of us are all together for an extended time, I always miss the one who isn’t with us a little extra because I feel their absence even more noticeably.
The Senior year of high school isn’t the end.
This is semi-related to my last point. “Bittersweet” is a word just invented to describe how you will feel about your child’s senior year. I remember just looking at them with such pride and wonder throughout that year. It’s almost like being a new parent again, forgetting that other parents and children have experienced the same feelings. I also remember practically counting down the days in my head, dreading that day in less than a year when they would be sleeping in a dorm, rather than at home in their own beds.
See also: The Anticipation Begins
Here’s what I know now: the anticipation is worse than the actual event. Maybe that senior year of anticipation helped to prepare me to make the transition easier. Honestly, I still think the first month they were away at school felt easier emotionally than that summer before they left. Okay, except maybe for the part where I had to stop myself from texting them dozens of times to ask what they were doing! (And to my kids if they’re reading this – Yes! I actually did often stop myself from texting you, as unbelievable as that may seem based on the number of texts I actually DID send!) And just as you are fully adjusting and settling in at home, they’ll suddenly be home for a month for winter break! To your surprise (not theirs though!), you may even be ready for them to leave again in January.
So there they are…a few of the highlights of what I know now, that I surely didn’t know four or five years ago. As you take this journey with your own kids, you’ll probably come up with more things that I didn’t include here. But maybe this will give you a head start!
